As i looked back on all the things that ive done, i feel that ive never regretted any of them.

In the past, i always felt like i was never better than others, the good things that ive had, i ignored them, I keep telling myself that i must be better and i never got enough.

I tried so hard to stick by my principles and in the end i always asked myself, "Is it worth it?"


I was growing up (and still am) and i was so desperate to try new things and to find an identity.


That's why ive got piercings.
That's why i went to church.
That's why i went to Enyouth.
And partly because of that, i broke up with an ex.

And that's why i kissed a boy that i barely knew at the esplanade on that very day.



And after the kiss i wondered, did i just DID that? What the fuck am i doin?
And then just a snap! like that, I got into another relationship.


At first i was in it just purely for the excitement, its not because he can afford to buy me stuff, i just thought i could learn a lot from him.


And that's when i found out about Mohjitos, Lambourgini-s, Ermenegildo Zegna-s, Village, and how to spend 1k in a day.


And then... despite warning myself not to fall in love with a stranger, i did.
And i knew its gonna hurt, and it did.


Deep inside, i constantly remind myself, " Be smart, dont be a retard. You know what kinda person he is. Dont ever end up getting played."

It was really ironic. Its like telling ur heart to give just 50.0000 % like it has an in-built calculator.

That's why i always ended up having issues with myself.
Despite wearing the expensive clothes he had bought, i never felt pretty the last 6 months.

The down to earth side of me was fading and i got new perceptions in my brain.. Like, cheap stuff makes a person cheap and ugly people are meant to be laughed at...

I took for granted of the fact that i aint used to be good looking.

Laughing at ugly people doesnt make myself feel good, it made me feel that i must be super good looking if not people will do the same thing.. and i felt so miserable.

And the way he showed affection was to buy me stuff, which was really not what i wanted.



Also, i had so many trust issues with the boyfriend, the more i see him, the more i love him, and the more i love him, the more miserable i felt because i was so convinced that he was going to leave me. I compared myself to his other exes and i stereotyped him as his past.



And then he went into ns.
And then he started school.

Things just wasnt the way it was, and both of us just cant be hanging out everyday anymore.
That's when both of us started to REALLY know how to love each other in this relationship.

And to REALLY love someone is never easy.

Emotions are involved, quarrelling, tears.. all those things that i didnt want them to happen from the start happened.


But i am glad that all these happened.
The thing that he never knew is that he is everything that i want in a boyfriend.

Nobody's perfect but i never once need to tell him how to show me that he loves me. He just know how to do the things to make me tick.


And that's why i love him. I want to put in more effort in this relationship and i'll try to change for the better. I am not perfect too, but i love him. <3


***

Im so addicted to the Chris Brown's "With you"..

When was the last time i got addicted to cheesy songs?
I think I am really in love with him this time..
If only time freezes every moment that ive spent with him..


I love you a lot, baby. =)







I need you boo..
Gotta see you boo..
Sending hearts all over the world tonight
Said their hearts all over the world tonight..