Honestly speaking. This must be one of the worst periods of my life. I wished i can tell myself, everything is fine! I have a good life! I am very happy!



But no, i am not.



I really have no idea why this depression starts to set in. I dont even know who i am anymore. What i used to hold on to and what i used to believe in just all went down to the drain.



I feel like i have already lost my personality.. to what? Superficialism? To the Rock and roll Motley Crue kinda perception of things?



And then i tell myself that i shouldnt be thinking about such things, but everything is just out to prove me wrong. People i talked to, guys who told me about "inner qualities", in the end what happened? All they ever think about was something else.



Inner qualities... inner qualities? What is that? Do i have it? Or do i used to have it but i lost it?


Which doesnt really matter because everybody says, yes, it is very important but at the end of the day, no one seems to really care. Does inner qualities even guarantee you a Happily Ever After?



Optimism.. arent they for fools? I used to debate with my friend, What is the point of playing mind games? Just be yourself! If things are meant to be, it will turn out right." In the end, the person that was being played for like a fool is me.



And then again i tell myself. Fuck it, just do whatever you feel like doing! You dont need to care about those fucking morals, because nobody cares!"



So i did it. I did some things that a few years back i would swear that i will never do it.



But karma came around. Bit my ass. I played with fire. I burned myself.


Right now i feel so empty. Void of emotions.. i dont understand what this complicating world is about. I do not know how to act, i do not know how to behave. i do not know the right words to say.


People say, " You are still so young! There are so many things you have yet to learn"


But the more i see, the less i know.


I feel so goddamn miserable, its pathetic to wallow in self pity. But yet, i cant explain this feeling to any of my friends..




Don't remember where I was
I realized life was a game
The more seriously I took things
The harder the rules became
I had no idea what it'd cost
My life passed before my eyes
I found out how little I accomplished
All my plans denied


So as you read this know my friends
I'd love to stay with you all
please smile when you think of me
My body's gone that's all



If my heart was still alive
I know it would surely break
And my memories left with you
There's nothing more to say



Moving on is a simple thing
What it leaves behind is hard
You know the sleeping feel no more pain
And the living all are scarred



A tout le monde (To everybody)
A tout mes amis (To all my friends)
Je vous aime (I love you)
Je dois partir (I must leave)
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free


- Megadeth (A tout le monde)