Cant sleep. It is past one am now, so i guess he is probably not calling.


Things are pretty tough in camp, i know it is not easy... I wish i can be there to take away all the stress, anger and bitterness from him, but i dont know how to when we can only spend less than 5 minutes everyday. And sometimes when he call, we do not have much to say.



I wonder why. Sometimes i wonder if we meet each other at the wrong time. Or maybe by right we shouldnt have met each other at all.. At times, i still cant believe that he is actually my boyfriend.. cos i think he is too good to be true.



But of cos, everything has got a price to pay. And my price to pay for having such a boyfriend is to have a lot of patience and understanding... something that i seldom do for all my past relationships.


But everybody has to grow up someday, why not now? I dont go through shit relationships just to go back to square one. At least, i learnt from those shitty moments and try not to repeat the same mistake again.



However there are times (like now) that i feel so faithless. Recently there are a few breakups involving my close friends. And it is not those 3 months 6 months kinda shallow breakup, but those 1 year, 2, 3 years "i thought we would last forever" kinda breakup..



When i listen to their stories it kinda freaked me out. They have been through so much changes, so much shit, and that guy looked so promising and faithful, but what happened in the end? And then all these stories brings me back to the past, it is so haunting.



Somebody once told me, to love somebody is to give everything and not ask for anything in return. But to think about it, 2 years (or maybe more) is a long time. And i dont have a crystal ball to see what the future holds. What if i wait for him, will it be worth it? When he got his freedom, will i also get what i deserve to get (like time, attention, faithfulness) as a girlfriend?



Or will all my efforts go down the drain?



Maybe i am being a little self centered here for having all these thoughts. But as a thinker i imagined the worst case scenario, the possibilities of being lied to, being cheated on, broken and battering of self esteem, i cannot afford to take another blow, it would be so disastrously devastating.



I dont know about the future, i only know that right now there is nobody else but him on my mind.


I am a nice girl. I am a good girl. And i am a stupid girl. =(




A loss that would have thrown
A hole through anybody's soul
And you were only human after all
So don't hold back the tears my dear
Release them so your eyes can clear
I know that you will rise again
But you gotta let them fall
I wish that I could snap my fingers
Erase the past but no
You cannot rewind reality
Once the tape's unrolled


A moment of despair
That forces you to say that life's unfair
It makes you scared of what tomorrow may bring
But don't go giving into fear
Stop hiding all alone in there
The show keeps going on and on
But you'll miss the whole damn thing
I wish I had a crystal ball to see what the future holds
But we don't know how the story ends till it's all been told



On any clock upon the wall
The time is always now
So baby kiss the past goodbye
Don't let the future blow your mind
Just sit back and chill
Take things as they come
You can't be afraid
To live for today
I will be with you each step of the way


If your spirit's broken and you can't bear the pain
I will help you put the pieces back
A little more each day
And if your heart is locked and you can't find the key
Lay your head upon my shoulder,
I'll set you free
I'll be your security.