I went online, wanted to post about something happy. But my fingers went over the keyboard to type his blog address instead, yeah, the same blog that i called it a propaganda.


Yes, to me, its a propaganda, yet i still read it, and i dont know why. Everytime he writes about me, my heart will be full of emotions, sometimes i'll get really fucked up and sometimes i will burst into tears. Sometimes when i read his blog in school, i'll drop tears secretly when my friends are not looking.



Just like my relationship with him, an emotional roller-coaster ride. I remembered i always felt so happy whenever we go, he was full of surprises and even if we have to stay in his house for the day, there's nothing we cannot do. But everytime i was happy but at the back of my mind, i was always worried, worried about whether he cheated on me or lie to me or not.



And i still remember dreading Tuesdays and Thursdays. Why? Cuz its his school days. When i am not beside him i just felt so insecure. And then occasionally we quarrelled, and i thought it was because of me being over-sensitive. But as time goes by, i found so many evidences and people telling me about his wrong-doings. I tried to give him a chance to explain himself but i was so disappointed that he came up with more lies. Its cuts me deep and it hurts a lot a lot.



Well, they are always two sides of the story, and i dont want waste my time and effort to right the wrongs in that relationship, because what is right for me is what is wrong for him, and vice versa.



They say opposite attracts, but so what if they are attracted to each other? In the end, we never overcame the Trust obstacle. I know that he is an optimist and believes that everything can change if he want to, yes, he want to, but would he do whatever it takes to stay faithful?




I dont want to think about it anymore, he dont know how much he hurts me, he only thinks that i can move on effortlessly and not care about him. I have nightmares too, i still cry when i think of him. He said i should help him move on, but how should i do it? The more we see each other, the more memories we build, the more memories we build, the wound cuts deeper.



When i was with Ivan in the movie theatre, i cried when i thought about the times we had, the way he held me and whispered in my ears, maybe to him, that memory is insignificant, but to me, that memory still comes back and haunt me.



Ivan is a breakdancer but to my surprise he isnt one of the stereotypes, unlike those loud, snobby, flirtatious guys full of hip hop slangs. When i first got to know him, i wasnt thinking about anything. It just feels as if i can tell him about anything, and he is a great listener. I see no hidden agendas and even though i knew he like me he just didnt make any moves. I often mentioned my ex this, my ex that, and it didnt even piss him off. When i cry because of those haunting memories, he is always there for me.


And i told him that being my boyfriend wasnt easy, and he said he is up for the challenge. He may not be as interesting and charismatic as Jin, and he may not bring me to fancy dates, but its ok, i feel loved and i feel protected.






This post is not about dissing anybody, and it is purely written from the depths of my heart. I know that you still love me, and sometimes i still think about you too, but i am sorry, i got to move on. I want to leave behind those hurting memories.