Read his blog, heard that he went out with his ex girl, it used to bother me a lot whenever her name was mentioned, but now i dont feel a thing at all. Well, maybe i am kinda numbed. I used to compare myself to her and the other girls in his life.



Now that i am not with him anymore, i feel that I've unloaded this very huge burden in my heart, or my brain, mind or whatever you call it. I am learning to really love myself now.

Of course sometimes tears still fall at night, but it feels good to know that i always have somebody to lean on, somebody so patient, understanding and appreciates the little things that i do for him. Somebody who, by right, doesnt have to share my emotional burden that i have from the past but he is still willing to do it.

Yesterday i just clicked on his friendster and i saw him change his relationship status from "Single" to "In a relationship", i did not even change it myself and i did not even tell him to do so!



Call me sensitive or whatever, but it is the little things like that that shows.







Time to let go and learn to trust.

From Yuting to Yuting.




Life.. is a journey.

Sometimes you walk alone.

Sometimes a stranger comes to your life, and you decide to walk with them.

Sometimes the people you meet may lead you to different paths.

At the crossroads, you keep wondering whether it is the right direction to the right destination.


But there is no use turning back from a decision you have made yourself, dont mourn about it, find a solution.



I'll keep walking though it may seem far.
And i'll take the high road.

Don't remember where I was
I realized life was a game
The more seriously I took things
The harder the rules became
I had no idea what it'd cost
My life passed before my eyes
I found out how little I accomplished
All my plans denied


If my heart was still alive
I know it would surely break
And my memories left with you
There's nothing more to say


Moving on is a simple thing
What it leaves behind is hard
You know the sleeping feel no more pain
And the living all are scarred


This is me, for forever
One of the lost ones
The one without an honest heart as compass


Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my everything


My flower
Withered between
The pages two and three
The once and forever bloom gone with my sins

I cant sleep cuz my pillow is too wet.

Said there'd be no going back
Promised myself I'd never be that sad
Maybe that's why you've come along
To show me, it's not always bad


Coz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so


It's true I've become a skeptic
How many couples really love
Just wish I had a crystal ball
To show me, if it's worth it all


And I've got to be sure
Coz it's been so long
And I cannot take the pain again
If it all goes wrong

I went online, wanted to post about something happy. But my fingers went over the keyboard to type his blog address instead, yeah, the same blog that i called it a propaganda.


Yes, to me, its a propaganda, yet i still read it, and i dont know why. Everytime he writes about me, my heart will be full of emotions, sometimes i'll get really fucked up and sometimes i will burst into tears. Sometimes when i read his blog in school, i'll drop tears secretly when my friends are not looking.



Just like my relationship with him, an emotional roller-coaster ride. I remembered i always felt so happy whenever we go, he was full of surprises and even if we have to stay in his house for the day, there's nothing we cannot do. But everytime i was happy but at the back of my mind, i was always worried, worried about whether he cheated on me or lie to me or not.



And i still remember dreading Tuesdays and Thursdays. Why? Cuz its his school days. When i am not beside him i just felt so insecure. And then occasionally we quarrelled, and i thought it was because of me being over-sensitive. But as time goes by, i found so many evidences and people telling me about his wrong-doings. I tried to give him a chance to explain himself but i was so disappointed that he came up with more lies. Its cuts me deep and it hurts a lot a lot.



Well, they are always two sides of the story, and i dont want waste my time and effort to right the wrongs in that relationship, because what is right for me is what is wrong for him, and vice versa.



They say opposite attracts, but so what if they are attracted to each other? In the end, we never overcame the Trust obstacle. I know that he is an optimist and believes that everything can change if he want to, yes, he want to, but would he do whatever it takes to stay faithful?




I dont want to think about it anymore, he dont know how much he hurts me, he only thinks that i can move on effortlessly and not care about him. I have nightmares too, i still cry when i think of him. He said i should help him move on, but how should i do it? The more we see each other, the more memories we build, the more memories we build, the wound cuts deeper.



When i was with Ivan in the movie theatre, i cried when i thought about the times we had, the way he held me and whispered in my ears, maybe to him, that memory is insignificant, but to me, that memory still comes back and haunt me.



Ivan is a breakdancer but to my surprise he isnt one of the stereotypes, unlike those loud, snobby, flirtatious guys full of hip hop slangs. When i first got to know him, i wasnt thinking about anything. It just feels as if i can tell him about anything, and he is a great listener. I see no hidden agendas and even though i knew he like me he just didnt make any moves. I often mentioned my ex this, my ex that, and it didnt even piss him off. When i cry because of those haunting memories, he is always there for me.


And i told him that being my boyfriend wasnt easy, and he said he is up for the challenge. He may not be as interesting and charismatic as Jin, and he may not bring me to fancy dates, but its ok, i feel loved and i feel protected.






This post is not about dissing anybody, and it is purely written from the depths of my heart. I know that you still love me, and sometimes i still think about you too, but i am sorry, i got to move on. I want to leave behind those hurting memories.